RAT bush in the onion

[NashGay@aol.com]

     WASHINGTON, DC--Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the
door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured 
the
nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of 
peace
and prosperity is finally over."

     "My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end
of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the 
Clinton
Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a 
sharp
decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all 
of
that behind us."

     Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought 
by
Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to
developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical 
weapons
technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out
of hospitals and onto the street.

     During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the
severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens 
that
the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next
four years.

     "You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point
during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in 
military
spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in
battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"

     On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by
implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which 
would
necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which
would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.

     Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones
industrial fluctuating wildly before closing at an 18-month low. The NASDAQ
composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook for tech stocks in 2001, also 
fell
sharply, losing 4.4 percent of its total value between 3 p.m. and the closing
bell.

     Asked for comment about the cooling technology sector, Bush said: "That's
hardly my area of expertise."

     Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do whatever
it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton Administration 
to
the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He assured citizens that he will follow
through on his campaign promise to open the 1.5 million acre refuge's coastal
plain to oil drilling. As a sign of his commitment to bringing about a change 
in
the environment, he pointed to his choice of Gale Norton for Secretary of the
Interior. Norton, Bush noted, has "extensive experience" fighting 
environmental
causes, working as a lobbyist for lead-paint manufacturers and as an attorney
for loggers and miners, in addition to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air
standards.

     Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft,
whom he praised as "a tireless champion in the battle to protect a woman's 
right
to give birth."

     "Soon, with John Ashcroft's help, we will move out of the Dark Ages and
into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think long and hard
before trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her 
entrance
to an abortion clinic," Bush said. "We as a nation can look forward to lots 
and
lots of babies."

     Continued Bush: "John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the terrible
wedge President Clinton drove between church and state."

     The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders.

     "Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a
close," House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters. "Under 
Bush,
we can all look forward to military aggression, deregulation of dangerous,
greedy industries, and the defunding of vital domestic social-service programs
upon which millions depend. Mercifully, we can now say goodbye to the awful
nightmare that was Clinton's America."

     "For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be
stopped," conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh said.
      "And yet, in 1996, the American public failed to heed my urgent 
warnings,
re-electing Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous and at 
peace
under his regime. But now, thank God, that's all done with. Once again, we 
will
enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear paranoia, mass deficit, and a massive
military build-up."

     An overwhelming 46.5 percent of Americans responded enthusiastically to
the Bush speech.

     "After eight years of relatively sane fiscal policy under the Democrats,
we have reached a point where, just a few weeks ago, President Clinton said 
that
the national debt could be paid off by as early as 2012," Rahway, NJ, 
machinist
and father of three Bud Crandall said. "That's not the kind of world I want my
children to grow up in."

     "You have no idea what it's like to be black and enfranchised," said
Marlon Hastings, one of thousands of Miami-Dade County residents whose votes
were not counted in the 2000 presidential election. "George W. Bush 
understands
the pain of enfranchisement, and ever since Election Day, he has fought
tirelessly to make sure it never happens to my people again."

     Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption.

     "We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation 
in
two," Bush said. "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the
poor may be wide, be there's much more widening left to do. We must squander 
our
nation's hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent.
And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it."

     "The insanity is over," Bush said. "After a long, dark night of peace and
stability, the sun is finally rising again over America. We look forward to a
bright new dawn not seen since the glory days of my dad."


(c) 2001 - The Onion