RAT performance art satire (from the Onion)

[Cara <cgr9456@garnet.acns.fsu.edu>]

>To see online version with photos:
>[http://www.theonion.com/onion3633/performance_artist.html]
>
>
>PERFORMANCE ARTIST SHOCKS U.S. OUT OF APATHETIC STUPOR
>
>    SAN FRANCISCO--The American consumer populace, long decried by members
>of the artistic and academic avant-garde as "TV Guide-swilling philistines,"
>was shocked out of its complacency and stupidity Monday by Bay Area
>performance artist Ivan Hubiak.
>
>      Hubiak, 23, renowned within performance-art circles for his
>provocative juxtaposition of political iconography, nudity, and meat,
>finally achieved his oft-stated goal--"rousing America out of its onanistic
>slumber with a devastating attack on its received notions of patriotism and
>the human body in a voice that speaks not only of an emergent
>post-structuralist discourse, but also of blind, animal rage"--at
>approximately 10 p.m., with the conclusion of his nine-hour piece "Flag Fuck
>(w/ Beef) #17B."
>
>      Performed at the famed Mission District hipster enclave Lost Freak In
>The Streets coffeehouse cooperative, "Flag Fuck (w/ Beef) #17B" was
>described by witnesses as "too jarring, too confrontational, too
>all-consumingly intense" for the American people to ignore.
>
>      "Before last night's epoch-shattering wake-up call, I used to think
>there was nothing more to life than purchasing obscenely oversized Sony
>televisions at Best Buy, the better to lap up focus-grouped corporate pablum
>as I willingly anesthetized my social conscience with reprehensible pap,"
>said Olathe, KS, resident Bob Turley, one the formerly mindless millions
>whose world will never be the same in the wake of Hubiak's devastating
>social critique. "Thanks to Ivan, I now know that I was more sheep than
>man."
>
>      Critics and audiences alike point to the "taboo" nature of Hubiak's
>disturbing work as the primary source of its power to transform the nation.
>
>      "At first, I couldn't believe it. After all, the U.S. flag is one of
>our nation's most sacrosanct symbols, and the thought that anyone would go
>so far as to show it disrespect, especially within the context of an
>artistic statement in a public forum, was just too shocking for words," said
>29-year-old Wheeling, WV, dental hygienist and mother of three Darla
>McAllen, who learned of Hubiak's transgressive, assumption-challenging
>performance during a long-distance phone call from her sister Gladys. "But
>then I realized that only by shocking his audience to its very core could
>Hubiak pull it, and the rest of the country, back from the precipice,
>rescuing us all from the repellent cultural void that has ensnared us since
>birth."
>
>      According to Hubiak devotees, who as of press time represent an
>estimated 97 percent of the U.S. population, the performance artist's work
>"makes you think." This is because, admirers say, though "Flag Fuck (w/
>Beef) #17B" initially seems offensive, viewers eventually realize that it is
>actually society itself, not the piece, that is offensive.
>
>      "Sure, some may call it obscene, but you want to know what's really
>obscene?" asked Batesburg, SC, screen-door-factory worker Bud Combs, 37.
>"Our capitalistic monoculture's hellishly empty hegemony. That's what's
>obscene."
>
>      "To say nothing of our own passive complicity in its repressive
>materialistic agenda," Combs added.
>
>      The impact of Hubiak's performance is visible across the nation: Since
>Monday, there have been widespread reports of mass non-conformity from coast
>to coast, including outbreaks of armed political uprisings against the
>nation's "haves" by its "have-nots," newly formed grass-roots vegetarianist
>nutrition-reform movements, and a surge in support for local music scenes
>and listener-supported community radio.
>
>      "Ivan Hubiak cut to the necrotic core of our culture and cut out its
>malignant heart with one devastating act of defiance," said Sparks, NV,
>janitorial-supply wholesaler Carl H. Wendt. "It certainly was a courageous
>act on his part, especially considering how emotionally draining, how
>psychically injurious this high-wire performance was. All I can say is,
>thank God he pulled it off."
>
>      For stirring society from its somnambulant, lobotomized daze, Hubiak
>has been awarded the National Medal Of Honor. Sources close to the artist
>say he plans to defecate on the medal as part of an ongoing work-in-progress
>that remains untitled.
>

"If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?"