Re: RAT Allow me to be really gay and forward this gem!

[Jonathan C Harris <jonoh1@juno.com>]

Fabulous...
Jonathan

On Sat, 18 Mar 2000 11:28:43 EST NashGay@aol.com writes:
>  Gotta Dance
>  
>  by Joel Perry
>  
>  I am dressed completely in black. Not because it's West Hollywood, 
> or I'm
>  into
>  goth, or because I have no imagination and I'm incapable of color
>  coordinating
>  like all the other people who do it, but because I am in mourning. 
> The
>  powers
>  that be have announced that for this year's Academy Awards 
> presentation
>  there
>  is
>  to be no dance number. How could they do this to us? Every Oscar 
> telecast
>  for
>  the past decade has allowed millions of homosexuals to howl with 
> hilarity =
>  at
>  the
>  Debbie Allen Dance Number, that cobbled-together orgy of poorly 
> thought =
>  out
>  dance moves designed to illustrate the connecting theme of the 
> nominated
>  pictures. That theme, at least as far as we were concerned, was 
> always =
>  "What
>  were they thinking?" As bad as you knew it would be, there would 
> always =
>  come
>  at
>  least one jaw-dropping moment of truly transcendently stupid 
> choreography.
>  Entire gay ghettos would erupt with screams to spouses in the 
> kitchen, =
>  "Get
>  in
>  here! You gotta see this!" Couples and friends would watch with 
> hands over
>  their
>  mouths, not daring to move until it was over, and then shriek in 
> gleeful
>  horror.
>  It was the hoot heard round the world.
>  
>  The Debbie Allen Dance Number has won a cherished place in the 
> pantheon of
>  dependably bad ideas. It was as if every idea Cher rejected as 
> being too
>  embarrassing, even for her show, flowed downstream to collect in 
> the =
>  cloaca
>  maxima that was the Debbie Allen Dance Number. It was staged 
> annually in
>  bare
>  skin, glitter, G-strings and top hats. It was a train wreck with 
> lasers =
>  and
>  flying by Foy. It was heterosexual high camp.
>  
>  The Academy said the dance number was "inappropriate." Well, duh! 
> They =
>  just
>  figured this out? Of course it was inappropriate! That's what 
> Hollywood is
>  about. Maybe in another 72 years they'll figure out giving Adam 
> Sandler =
>  $20
>  million a picture is inappropriate. The Academy also said the 
> Debbie Allen
>  Dance
>  Number was "undignified." They were wrong. It was fucking god-awful 
> and =
>  that
>  was
>  its genius. It made us feel superior to an entire auditorium full 
> of
>  beautiful,
>  rich and glamorous movie stars who, every other day of the year, we 
> wished
>  we
>  could be. But during that 15-minute dancing debacle we saw the 
> Hollywood
>  hotshots for the high-rent trailer trash they are. If the Debbie 
> Allen =
>  Dance
>  Number was Hollywood's idea of sophistication, doing "Y.M.C.A." at 
> your
>  cousin's
>  wedding reception at the Ramada didn't look so bad. If this was the 
> best
>  choreography Tinseltown could come up with, line dancing at the 
> rodeo
>  suddenly
>  seemed downright elegant. And if the whole thing became truly 
> unforgivable,=
>  
>  which is to say dull, we could always go to the kitchen for a 
> microwaved
>  burrito. Not even Nicholson can do that.
>  
>  If I can't get my Debbie Allen Dance Number I don't think I'll even 
> watch
>  the
>  Oscars this year. I was praying to a celluloid god that the "South 
> Park"
>  people
>  would have entered some of their other songs into the competition 
> so we
>  would
>  be
>  treated to Celine Dion beating her dangerously sharp collarbone to 
> give =
>  just
>  the
>  right emotional touch to her rendition of "Uncle Fucka." I wanted 
> Barbra =
>  to
>  be
>  stricken by her usual "flu" so at the last minute she would be 
> forced to
>  back
>  out of singing "It's Easy, MMMKay" to be replaced by Marie Osmond 
> or Amy
>  Grant.
>  
>  Speaking of Babs, didn't she wear that silver outfit for her
>  zillion-dollar-a-seat concert? It looked like the same thing she 
> wore at =
>  the
>  Golden Globes. Does the woman have another dress? She can't snap 
> her =
>  fingers
>  and
>  have James run out for something pink but intimidating? And have we 
> all
>  learned
>  that giving someone like Barbra a tribute award means 90 minutes 
> none of =
>  us
>  will
>  ever have back again? This year the Academy is giving a special 
> Lifetime
>  Achievement Award to Michael Douglas. I can think of only about 20 
> people
>  closer
>  to death who deserve it more, but at least the ceremony will end 
> before my
>  Medicare kicks in.
>  
>  I know I'm straying from my subject of the Debbie Allen Dance 
> Number, but
>  I'm
>  bitter. First they move the Awards to Sunday so you don't even get 
> to =
>  ditch
>  work, and now this. What's next? No pre-show bitchiness with Joan 
> and her
>  forgettable daughter, all because that's "undignified" and 
> "inappropriate"?=
>  
>  I've
>  got news for the Academy: Oscar night is about the industry bending 
> around
>  to
>  kiss its own ass. They don't save lives, they make movies. Movies 
> that are
>  undignified, inappropriate, trashy, gaudy, amazing and wonderful, 
> but
>  useless.
>  What could possibly exemplify, nay, glorify that better than the 
> Debbie
>  Allen
>  Dance Number?
>  
>  If you need to save time, get rid of that Parade of This Year's 
> Dead reel.
>  Not
>  only does it bring down the room but it reminds us of who we should 
> have
>  picked
>  in the online Death Pool. Lose the Irving Thal-butt
>  Time-to-go-to-the-Bathroom
>  Award. Stop hiring presenters who can't dress or read. But don't 
> take away
>  our
>  Debbie Allen Dance Number. It was the very essence of all the 
> soaring,
>  glittering crap that Hollywood squeezes out and we can't get enough 
> of. We
>  need
>  it! Screw presidential politics, I'm starting a petition for the 
> 73rd =
>  Annual
>  Academy Awards. If you believe choreography should be overbudgeted,
>  overblown,
>  underrehearsed and televised globally, sign and mail the form below 
> and
>  change
>  the world for the worse.
>  
>  Dear Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences,
>  
>  Puhleeeeeeeze give us back our Debbie Allen Dance Number!
>  
>  (Signed) __________________________
>  
>  The dance disaster you save could be your own.

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